Earlier this week I made some resolutions to get myself back on track. Well of course, there's the initial reaction that you want to get being bad out of your system and that's just as bad. Our friends had gotten me a Swiss truffle cake for my birthday, so that was eaten during the week. I went out with friends a few times and ate badly. I was just at a point where I couldn't help myself.
Yesterday was the first time I was on the scale since before Switzerland, which was only a week and a half before. Before Switzerland, I was 154.6lb and when I got on the scale yesterday I was 159lb!!! It was so shocking it took a few minutes to really sink in. That means that not only have I gained almost 10lb in the two months that we've been here, I've gained 4.4lb in the last week and a half. I could easily use traveling as an excuse, but that would be a lie because in all the trips we've made in the last year, I've come out with a loss at the end of the week.
I'm even 2lb above my buffer weight for lifetime, so I can't even think of going to a meeting to weigh-in for this month until I've lost that 2lb. There are only two weekends left in March, so I am on the clock and that's never a good feeling. It also doesn't help that Andy also got on the scale and hasn't gained a single pound the whole time we've been here. I just don't understand how that's even possible since he eats a hot lunch at work every day and the Germans eat their "dinner" at our lunchtime.
Being here is hard with the lack of variety and light options, but I'm not making good options outside of the house. I was at a point where I was always saying, tomorrow I'll start being better. Then tomorrow would come and I'd be just as bad as the day before. I can honestly say that although I've had upswings before, I've never put on weight this fast.
I've had several breakdowns over here, wanting to come home, and mainly it's due to weight gain and the never ending stream of temptations that I can't seem to turn down. I see something good and I get it, no matter if I'm hungry or not.
Even before I started this blog, my weight issues have been a public struggle, so it's hard to separate my weight from my identity anymore. Growing up, I was under constant scrutiny by my extended family. Even when I was newly pregnant with Brady and had barely gained 3lb, I found out later that although they didn't know I was pregnant, they were discussing that I'd put on some weight. I can't even imagine 3lb being that noticeable. All my friends know I'm on weight watchers and as soon as anyone knows, I'm forever under the microscope. People watch everything I eat, questioning whether or not I am even allowed to eat certain things. It's a lot of pressure. So when I got to 148lb and was starting to feel really great about myself, I was thinking that there was no going back, not only for my self-esteem, but because of what people would think or say about me.
I'm very self-conscious, even when I'm at my lowest weight. I worry about what people will think about how I look in the clothes that I wear. I've mentioned before that I'm not the type to dress nicely every day and that means even in jeans because I like to be comfortable. Last night, I went out with some other mom friends here and because my jeans were tight, I had to wear yoga pants. I was then thinking what they would think of me. I didn't bring many nice things here because of the freight weight restriction. I have a lot of sweats and right now only a few of them fit.
I am horrified to think that I might have to resort to the few maternity pants I brought with me just in case we decided to try for baby #2. At this point that's not even something we can discuss because the stress of being here, the new food situation, the time change, and the weight gain combined have completely stopped my cycle. I've taken several pregnancy tests just in case and they are all negative, so that's not even a possibility. It's crazy to think that something like a move overseas can affect your body so severely.
I've talked to some of the other ladies here who sympathize with me because they are in the same boat of wanting to lose weight, but it's difficult over here. One lady walks with her daughter in the stroller every day to get her to sleep and takes the train to different parks in the city so it's not the same scenery all the time. She has a monthly train pass and initially I thought it would be a wash for me because it would cost the same as if I took the train twice a week, which is what I was currently doing. The more I thought about it, the better the monthly pass option sounded. That would mean I wouldn't always need cash on hand if I wanted to get out of the house and I could go out every day if I wanted to and just walk if the weather is nice. I also intent to get a monthly pass the the zoo in the next few weeks and that will be another great opportunity to get out and walk, and for Brady to enjoy as well.
It's going to take some major changes on my part, both in attitude and actions. I don't want to come home two weeks before our beach vacation and not be able to wear my bathing suits, which I was started to get really comfortable about wearing at my lowest weight. I would like to have a second child sometime in the near future and would hate to start at a higher weight than I started with Brady.